24, off the top.

Preface:

I wanted to write a blog post today, talk about what I’m thankful for and low key boast about myself but… This feels more right.

What you’re about to read is a result of Surrealist writing a technique used to uncover the subconscious. (the things you didn’t know you were feeling) I wrote for 24 minutes (kinda) nonstop. No edits (except for spelling errors) no fancy words, no time to think just brain vomit.

There’s a bunch of stuff here that makes me cringe, things that I am embarrassed by. But not everything on social media needs to be doctored. Plus today of all days I wanted to be honest with myself.

Thanks for reading and not judging.

(If yuh judging do so quietly)

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Here goes 😓

I’m not in a thankful mood. I’m a bit sad today and lost and I’ve been feeling this way for sometime and I guess it being my birthday makes it worse.

I’m not sure if I’m going to publish this or not. But it feels good to be writing the truth. And not some version of it. I’ve changed so much in the past 2 years and not all for the better. I’ve lost important people in my life because of selfishness and ego.

It’s so easy to talk about all my accomplishments and whilst I thank God for them and I’m proud it seems like for every accomplishment there are 2 mistakes. I’m not happy with where I am. I feel lonely and helpless sometimes. I love being able to say that I do what I love for a living but I hate the reality of it not being enough to sustain me and my family.

I’m less broke but broke…

…with more problems and more worries and less friends and less peace. I am happy though, I love my life but it feels like every time I boast or publish a success, I’m holding my breath. And only when I admit my mistake I can let the air out.

And it’s getting harder to exhale.

I hate that I use the word “I” so much. My ego hides in between my good works. I think terrible things. My perception of God is changing and usually I celebrate that but I’m not sure it’s changing for the better. I think I’m using my

Far left
Far left
Far left

This should be over now, writing, feeling like this but it’s not.
I thank god that I’m feeling like this, it means I still feel, It means being better is important to me. Though I’ve been singing this I want to be better song for years. And I’ve only grown in one specific area of my life.

It’s hard to celebrate today rather it doesn’t feel right to only celebrate the victories. I want to embrace all of who I am the good and the fucked up. I want to be redeemed, I want to be better, I want to grow but not only the parts that are fun to grow.

I am not my art alone.
I am not my art alone.

I am sorry, I genuinely am. Lord forgive me.

Thanks you for being my provider even though it feels these days like I have nothing I guess you’re stripping me down…. I deserved it .. I need it. And I’m trying to trust you and combat myself but it’s hard not to root for Kyle. I hate wrestling with you but I love to win.

Help me lose myself.

P.S. This kind of writing is equivalent to a loud scream… we does all need to scream sometimes so when you’re feeling meh and you don’t know why try it.